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5/9/2008 from Stiles
Strap-On Helicopter Could Offer Solo Flying Experience
Completely ignoring all possible jokes about that title being the longest and dirtiest double entendre to head up a Physorg article, this could be the coolest thing ever to come from Mexico. Well... It's in the top five at least. If not for providing the possibility of fulfilling at least some of the promises broken by 1980's science, then for the mind-blisteringly obvious problems that had to have been completely overlooked during the design phase. Follow me as I attempt to envision the thought process that led up to this creation.
INT. TECNOLOGIA AEROESPACIAL MEXICANA FACILITY - AFTERNOON
A man sits in a large, open room, surrounded by the trappings of the engineering profession. He wears a lab coat, despite the fact that he is not a scientist, nor is he in a lab. His deeply tanned facial features form a mask of concentration. He is a T.A.M. ENGINEER, and he is hard at work on his next breakthrough.
TAM ENGINEER (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE)
I'm pinche bored.
I should invent something.
He sits in silence for a while. Suddenly, he begins loudly humming the bass line to Edgar Winter Group's FRANKENSTEIN.
TAM ENGINEER
Dios mio, but that's a catchy hook.
After a long moment of bobbing his head in time to the song, he snaps back to attention, remembering his purpose.
TAM ENGINEER (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE)
Focus! I've got to think of something..
There is a pregnant pause as he slowly scans his surrounding work area for inspiration. He stops abruptly upon catching sight of a small plastic sandwich bag filled with what appears to be oregano.
TAM ENGINEER
¡Que lindo!
Cut to ten minutes later, as the excited engineer finds he is suddenly adrift amidst a sea of brilliant ideas for inventions.
TAM ENGINEER (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE)
Chin stand for upright subway sleeping!
No, there's no way anyone would produce that.
Facial funnels for people with chronic dry eyes and a complete inability to aim?
Nearly universal appeal, and a niche market in porn... but no.
Fire alarm that traps the person who activates it!
Pleasantly sadistic, but no.
Hybrid pogo stick/bicycle!
No, no, think BIG!
An extremely scientific method by which to accurately measure spiciness of foods using carbon nanotubes!
No, that would be a ridiculously trivial use for a potentially revolutionary new technology, and an egregious waste of research funding.
Suddenly, he spots a PILE OF JUNK mechanical components, containing what appear to be HELICOPTER PARTS.
TAM ENGINEER
Hey, now.
And the rest, as they say, is retarded invention history.
FADE TO BLACK
So maybe that's not precisely how it went down, but come on. I'm not saying that whoever came up with this idea was smoking some seriously strong shit, but... No, that's exactly what I'm saying. Completely disregarding the inherent traffic regulation and policing problems, let's start off with the notion of strapping what is essentially a giant rocket-powered, hydrogen-fueled blender onto the back of the same people who, in all likelihood, can't figure out how not to do thirty-five miles an hour in the left lane of the highway with their blinker on. Granted, there's an element of Darwinism involved, so the dumbest of the backpack pilots will probably fall victim to natural selection pretty quickly, but I don't want my power to go out every time one of these jackasses forgets about the high voltage lines directly overhead upon takeoff, and I don't want to find myself on the receiving end of a violent spinal adjustment when Johnny Jerkoff forgets to fill the hydrogen tank on his heli-pack after leaving the local bar, and burns into my living room. Which brings me to my next point.
The hydrogen fuel source. It's clean burning. It's abundantly available. But what's of greater concern is the potential for explosive apocalypse. According to the Terminator Wiki (the best source of information available to anyone, anywhere, bar none), hydrogen fuel cells can become extremely volatile when damaged in combat. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Combat?" Yes, cliched literary device, combat. If television news has taught me anything, it's that I live my life in constant danger of being shot, stabbed, bludgeoned, tornadoed (or hurricaned), poisoned, virused, de-freedomed, raped, stolen, wrecked into and/or reduced to subatomic particles at any given moment, so I've got to believe that the same dangers apply when flying. But those minor occurences aside, what else could go wrong?
Wrecks. If an average of about thirty-six thousand people die in automobile accidents annualy in the US, and there are roughly forty aviation accidents reported a year, that works out to... wait... carry the one... eighty-two thousand daily fatalities if everyone suddenly becomes their own flying death machine. Also, consider all the minor fender-benders that occur regularly. Now replace the cars involved with people wearing back-mounted oversized food processors, and instead of small insurance claims and raised premiums, you've got a large portion of the population replaced by bone-in chunky salsa. And don't forget about the fact that you're in the air when these things happen, so even if you do manage to avoid being frappeed by some asshole doing two hundred while talking on his cellphone and consulting his face-mounted GPS, you can't just put on your hazards and pull onto the shoulder; you're now headed straight for the roof of some unsuspecting victim who's about to have to find out if his homeowner's policy covers emergency skylight installation.
And then we have this quote from the above-linked article; "...the company has a successful history of developing and fabricating a variety of hydrogen peroxide rockets, jet packs, a flying rocket belt, rocket bicycles, and other similar machines." What the hell other 'similar machines' could you build? Rocket pants, to go with the rocket belt? Rocket pogo stick? Which, really, if you think about it, would be just a rocket with handles (can I patent that?). So come on, Technologia Aeroespacial Mexicana, let's call a spade a spade. Slapping rockets on ordinary items and making some 3D animations does not qualify you as an aerospace engineering firm.
5/7/2008 from Stiles
5/1/2008 from Stiles
In Reading, PA, a 38 year old man was arrested on a multitude of charges after climbing out of the window of the company minivan he was driving, standing on the roof of the (still moving) van and stripping naked before crashing into a parked tree, being flung into the woods (where he won the physics lottery by landing relatively unscathed) and leading police on a brief foot pursuit. Police found traces of cocaine in his blood, but refused to comment on whether or not it was 'enough to explode a horse.' Maybe the fine folks of Reading should consider building a Dave & Buster's, because entertainment seems to be in critically short supply.
Strange Story: Stark Scofflaw Snorts Substance, Sheds Shirt, Soars, Screams and Scampers.
On another note, it's been a while since I posted a random movie excerpt, and I was talking about this clip to Odor the other day. So here, from Cabin Fever, is the infamous "NO PANCAKES!" scene.
4/30/2008 from Stiles
"But we have been Lesbians for thousands of years."
4/29/2008 from Stiles
Stick with me for a minute, because I'm writing today to raise awareness of a grave injustice taking place under our very noses. I'm not talking about ballooning prostitution costs, stiff penalties for public intoxication, the declining availability of street drugs in suburban neighborhoods, or the fact that Carson Daly has ever found himself in the public spotlight. No, the injustice I'm talking about is a crime of opportunity perpetrated by the very people who are supposed to be fighting such tyranny. I'm referring to the penal system in this country, and their horrifically negligent level of care for our beloved inmates. Now, prisoners shouldn't quite be in the lap of luxury, and jails should be under no pressure to rival day spas, but basic survival needs should be met, and a certain degree of deference to human rights has to exist. There should be steps taken to ensure that we're actually making progress in rehabilitating our inmates or the already overwhelming recidivism rate will continue to increase, and it's hard to argue that you're producing a transformation in people when you're not even giving them adequate amounts of food, as is the claim in a recent lawsuit filed by an Arkansas inmate against the cruel, uncaring penal system that crushes him under its jackbooted heel.
Avid Arkansas Assault Aficionado Asserts Adequate Aliment Always Abysmally Absent, Alliteration Abounds!
So what if the plaintiff is 308 pounds? Does that reduce the validity of his claim? To those who would assert that it does if you weren't too busy 'walking occasionally' or 'not eating like a wood chipper'; shame on you. So what if, in order to maintain his pre-incarceration weight of 418 pounds, his daily diet would probably have had to resemble a cruise ship buffet menu? Prison, like divorce, should allow people to continue living in the manner to which they've grown accustomed. If a three thousand calorie diet and exercise regimen isn't sufficient to support this man's lifestyle of sweating incessantly and probably not moving much except when stabbing and robbing people (people, who, let's face it, couldn't have been too smart or fast), then who are we to force it upon him?
Day one.
Eight months later.
This isn't the first time the people have stood up against the tyranny of prison, and hopefully it won't be the last. If jail prevents you from living the way you did before you became a tremendous burden to society, lawsuits should be filed!
Are you a rabid sports fan who's forced to miss a crucial playoff game due to a prison sentence? File suit.
Are you a woman forced to live in a man's body while in prison? Bam! Lawsuit.
Do you need constant entertainment to prevent you from inflicting your insane sense of humor upon the world at large? Sue everyone whose name you can spell.
"...not necessarily a big fan of eating vegetables"? Grow a pair. Then lawyer up.
And it doesn't have to stop there! If you're addicted to drugs on the outside,not only should you be allowed to funnel-feed your crippling addiction, but the government should see to it that you're provided with the best damned drugs the government can produce or import!
If enough of us band together and stand up for what we know in our hearts to be right, then we can make a difference. If we fight hard enough, we can ensure that within our lifetimes, inmates will have a better standard of living than the members of the 'lower class' who can't be bothered to get off their lazy asses and shoot, stab, or pimp their way right into a better life behind bars!
Note: This blog post did not at all employ the use of a literary device known in the industry as 'sarcasm.'
